// How Jess met Jesus//
Jesus isn’t a religion. He is a person.
Jesus isn’t about living by rules. He is freedom.
Jesus isn’t here to condemn. He is here to forgive.
I can testify this as truth or else I would not have believed in Him. Why would I put my time into a rule-filled religion? Why would I waste my life trying to be good enough for “heaven”? (if there was one.) I would not believe a God who hated “bad” people and sent them to hell and only loved “good” people. What a stupid, useless religion.
And that’s why I don’t believe in religion, but I’m in love with Jesus. And this is how I met him:
My childhood sounds like a pity story, but it really isn’t. It’s a story of God’s power and love. My mum was mentally unstable and suicidal, she often asked me to die with her. But I was a pretty self absorbed kid, so I just dismissed everything. So one day I woke up and she was gone, literally disappeared. We never found her ever again. I cried for like two days and got over it. Like I said, I was a cold hearted kid. But God used that to keep me together. If that happened now, I would’ve been so traumatised.
The next episode happens to be where my stepmother comes in: ironically she is the one who first brought me to church. And we even went to the church I wanted to go to when I was little, even if it was a thirty minute drive. I don’t even know why I wanted to go church when I was little, especially that specific church. That church is now my home church and even after thinking about leaving, I’ve decided to stay. Church is family and family sticks together :) Anyways, stuff got really tough for my dad when she came because she was a very volatile, manipulative and abusive person. She used to give my dad and I so much crap but I’m not going to describe it for her sake. She is very similar to my own mum since we recently realised that she was mentally unstable too. So stuff at home gets out of hand, my step mum gets a restraining order and I move out to live with my brother. I think I was eleven at the time. I moved around a few more times until I moved in with Lisa’s family and words cannot describe how grateful I am.
High school started and I began to try fill my life with stuff. There was a lot of hollowness, I guess it’s cause my brain just started deleting memories on it’s own accord. I can’t remember a lot of bad things from when I was little, only the good. But that didn’t stop how unloved and unwanted I felt. One thing that my step mum said was true: my dad isn’t my dad. How I figured this out was that my mum used to tell me that too but I never believed her. When I realised I was (that terrible word) an orphan I felt so alone. It didn’t help being shipped home to home, my dad never visiting and living in terror of being abandoned.
Think about it: everyone can and will leave you. You friends will leave you. Your boyfriend will leave you. Your husband can leave you. Your children can leave you. No one can stay with you and love you forever. That scared me so much.
I remember for each year of high school I worshipped, I idolised something to fill the emptiness. In year seven, I worshipped my boyfriend. I was absolutely consumed with infatuation. That obviously didn’t work out. It never does putting two empty, hungry people together. They both want to consume the other but both have nothing to offer. In year eight, I worshipped popularity to get back at him but I got sick of how empty the whole “cool people” social scene was. In year nine, I became a recluse and worshipped KPOP because I needed something to idolize, look up to. Then it got sick of how stupid it all was; worshipping these people who didn’t even care if I existed.
Mind you, this whole time I was still going church, calling myself a Christian, reading the bible etc. But I was not fulfilled by God. I did not feel loved. I did not feel complete. I did not see the joy and meaning that Christians could have. Little by little, God had been drawing me near. Jesus is the perfect gentleman: he never forces you. He waits for you until you’re ready and then BAM! He blows your life to pieces and you’re never the same again.
In year ten, I finally got to see all of that in full glory. I got baptised in April and things just sped up from there. I met people for the first time who were in love with God. Not just; “Oh yeah, I go to church. Yay, Jesus.” But instead they were on fire, they were passionate and they were satisfied. I wanted that satisfaction. I wanted to drink the living water and never thirst again.
Then one night, God told me himself that he loved me and I cried and cried and cried. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I didn’t do anything to deserve the creator of the universe’s love, but he loved me anyway. He died for me so that I could be with him. He was looking after me all along. I was not an orphan. God was the father of the fatherless, he was my daddy and I was his daughter. He was there to wipe away every tear, to take away all the hurt and pain. I was freed. I no longer need to look for approval, wallow in my sadness and become a slave to idols that always take and never give. The search was over: I could I rest now in the arms of God now.
God did a lot of stuff in my life: the unprecedented, the supernatural, the life-changing. But those are all secondary compared to the God himself. Sure, crazy stuff happens when you’re in the family of God and it’s awesome. I can seriously say that I feel like I’m most fulfilled and meaningful when I am worshipping, singing and talking about God. There is no feeling compared to that. I can’t explain the inexpressible and glorious joy I have in God. I only know that I want to share it. Because when you you fall in love with someone, you just want everyone else you love to meet them too.
I’m not here to convert people. I’m just telling you my experience. I’m just telling you about this amazing guy who changed my life and he can change yours too. For what is impossible with men is possible with God. Luke 18:27
I think the people who need the most prayer in all this are:
- My Dad - He really reflects God to me, treating me like his own when I’m not. He’s been through so much and he really needs God to heal all the bitterness, the pain and burden.
- My stepsister - I don’t know how she’s going but she’s still a victim of that toxic environment of my Dad and step mum’s home. She needs to see that she is loved and there is something more out there for her
- My step mum - I’ve forgiven her but I need God to teach me to love her, to be willing to step in and reconcile the family. I know I’m the answer to my own prayers, but I’m really scared. God needs to help us all get through this. He needs to heal her and heal our family.
So much for being brief…Haha, compelled to write testimony, thinks it only takes 20mins. Ends up taking two hours. I ramble too much. But YOLO, who cares about homework when there’s Jesus to proclaim and people to be saved?
